Fool's Gold

Dear Fool's Gold,

You were all bright and shiny. You were charming, we connected, we had fun. The chemistry was certainly there. We fell in love. But I should have taken all your warnings to heart. I am not a miracle worker. While liking a challenge may be an asset career-wise, the past two and a half years with you have made it excruciatingly clear I need to lance it from my dealings with love.

Despite the fact that I was upfront very early that I was not interested in a relationship that wasn't leading to marriage and kids, two and a half years later you are still not ready for marriage, a mortgage, or mini-van buying. You still do not understand the meaning of the word "partnership". You do not seem to understand that declaring you're not yet ready for these things is equivalent to saying you're not interested in doing them with me. If you were interested in doing them with me you would realize there is a little timeline called female fertility that trumps yours. Despite these things, you were unable to let me go. I would get sick of your Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality and would break things off. You would become kind, accommodating, attentive, and romantic, citing promises of change to get me back. I still loved you, and so I was a sucker multiple times. And our relationship turned back into me getting taken for granted and taken advantage of.

We both put a lot of work and a lot of therapy bills into this. But I've learned your outward charm masks selfishness, insecurity, passive aggressiveness, and manipulation. I've finally come to terms with Mr. Hyde never being exorcised, and have acted accordingly. While I have never been willing to settle for a relationship without partnership, kindness, respect, adventure, laughter, enthusiasm for the future, and the sense of being valued, I have finally realized I shouldn't have to work so hard to get these things. They should come standard, not at $150 an hour. You have been trying hard, but I guess you started at a disadvantage. I am deeply sad about that, and believe your parents did you a huge disservice, but I have decided this is no longer my problem.

Why would you expect me to stay? You love me? Lots of people love me. Sex and chemistry? I am a big girl - I can take care of that myself. And I'm not fool enough to think I won't find that again. And again. And again. Beyond those things what more do you honestly think we have?

I guess I could thank you for the lessons. 1. "Love is not enough." Sure I had heard that phrase, but it was some trite thing that never meant anything. No longer. While love and chemistry are necessary, they are certainly not sufficient for a lasting, healthy, positive relationship. Sooo many other things are needed in a relationship - shared values and goals, an ability to be respectful and kind on a daily basis, an ability of both parties to cultivate a healthy relationship, a shared (or at least respected and compatible) view on how to live life. Someone may want to be able to be and do all these things because they love you, but it doesn't mean they can. 2. "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." Thank you Maya Angelou, you have always been so wise. Unfortunately I was not quite wise enough to remember it in the throes of infatuation. Next time I will.

We had real love. You neglected it, kicked it around, and left it out in the rain to tarnish. It once held real value, now it is irreparable. Although I am no longer willing to punish myself by going on the journey with you, I wish you happiness. But I won't be holding my breath.

-E