You've got me at kind of a weak spot. On one hand, I feel happier than I have felt in years. My life feels incredibly rich: I have amazing (amazing!) friends, I do amazing things in my free time, I feel like a really stable human being. On a day to day basis, I feel pretty excited about what's coming in the next year. Shit, I'm stoked on what's coming this weekend.
But with each engagement, and each baby, I feel a little more adrift. I've gone through phases over the years about having kids. Two weeks ago I was leaning toward "no." But then I see pictures of friends and their newborns, and the devotion of their partners to their family, and on a day like today I think that I want to have kids. What I really want, though, is that happiness in a relationship. Today, as I sat across from two newly-engaged friends I was able to feel happy for them, but with an underlying sense of desperation. The no-boyfriend jokes and "got anyone for me?" solicitations are losing their humor. Where is my due?
Which brings me to you, and why I haven't called you back. You seem like a very nice and intelligent man. I really enjoyed chatting with you this weekend, and I'm sure that if you were hot I wouldn't be writing this letter (yet). If we dated, you would probably, at least initially, be very doting because you see that I am stable, assertive, smart, and pretty. You are young, overly kind, figuring yourself out, and average-looking, so my mix of traits would appeal to you on several levels as you come of age in the next few years. You asked about my "long term goals" and liked what you heard. If we were together, we would have pleasant intellectual conversations and you would agree with me almost 100% f the time. When I really stretch my hopes, I imagine you becoming a successful and well-known human rights lawyer and I am more attracted to you because you are powerful.
But who knows what you're going to be like in 5-10 years. You are 26, and it is company policy that I don't date younger men (I do, however, sleep with them if they are good looking). I've been thinking really hard about this policy for the last 48 hours, and about what I really want. I know that there is going to be some level of compromise between my ideals and what's actually available to me, but I guess I'm not ready to go the average guy route yet. I'm still holding out for something big, and I'm hoping to pass that judgment on someone a little further along in life, like tasting the aged bottled wine instead of the fresh stuff from the barrels. I just don't know what I'm going to get from you and I'm gun-shy. I'm sorry. It kind of makes me an asshole for being so shallow and strict, and maybe when I'm feeling really honest (drunk), I'll sit down and write out all of the really horrible standards I have for men in hopes that admitting to them is the first step toward purging them (such as my unreasonable disdain for your undergraduate education institution).
For now, though, I'm going to let you grow up in someone else's house.
Hugs,
T-Rex
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